Tips for raising strong and resilient children

During my time as a playground volunteer and an educational coach, I began noticing something amiss. The kids seemed more chaotic, less respectful and have more trouble focusing than I remembered.

I began digging a little deeper and found statistics like these: A National Institute of Health study showed that by age 18, one in two children in most urban and rural areas will have developed a substance abuse problem or a mood or behaviour disorder. The suicide rate for kids ages 10 to 14 doubled between 2006 and 2016, the Center for Disease Control found.

And, as a Nairobi researcher told me, “Contemporary preschoolers mostly demonstrated an immature ability to pretend play.”

“Children don’t know how to regulate their emotions, behaviour, thoughts, and we need to teach them,” says Yidoh.

Here are some tips I picked from her research.

“I’ll go broader and say punishment does not work,” says Yidoh. “Punishment is powerful parents controlling a less powerful child. The lesson it teaches is that it’s good to have power and control people, so that child will be power hungry and always seeking control.”

When kids are in timeout, she says, “They spend the time mad at you and planning revenge.”

Instead, have a family agreement about what the consequences of a meltdown will be before one actually happens, she says.

“Brainstorm 10 ideas. Maybe they want to punch a pillow or do 10 jumping jacks or have a cool cloth on their forehead or have quiet time in their room. There are so many things a child can choose in that moment to self-regulate.

“When they get worked up, ask: ‘Which strategies that you came up with do you want to use?’”

“When parents and children are in a room together for more than a couple of minutes, their breathing starts to regulate,” says Yidoh, who has three daughters. “If you’re touching someone you love, they will better self-regulate. Place a gentle hand on their shoulder. Ask if they want a hug.

“If we’re present and self-regulate, that helps their brain calm down. If we’re apart from them, their brain stays in that fight-or-flight state for longer.”

In other words, sending them to their rooms will only prolong the negative feelings.